Realizing I Hit Rock Bottom

Warning: This is an extremely personal and emotional post concerning a lifelong battle I’ve had with depression. Its not my typically weight loss or healthy living post, but I do believe that some of my struggle with gaining weight is related. Feel free to skip this post and come back tomorrow if this is not something you care to read about.

Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had in years. I felt like running away to Mexico, where no one could find me. I realize that this is not something the mother of a beautiful baby girl should admit, but in order to let go of this feeling I had to come clean. I had to tell somebody. In fact, I told two somebodies, which led me to writing this post. I need the freedom that comes from getting things off my chest. 

I’m depressed. I have been for some time now, but I feel like there is some shame that comes with being depressed. Which is absolutely ridiculous, because if you came to me and said you were depressed, I’d want know what I could do to help you. I wouldn’t think it was shameful at all, but for myself, it feels unacceptable. 

I often tell myself that I’m not allowed to be depressed because I feel like I have it all. A beautiful happy baby, a loving and caring husband, a brand new house, a loving family, amazing friends, a car to take me place to place, enough money to pay my bills and provide for our family, a job I enjoy….so what is there to be depressed about. 

The answer is I don’t know. (I’ve felt like this once before, it was right after I moved away to college.)

I tell myself that I need to suck it up. I need to force myself to be happy. That being depressed is choice I’m making. 

Yesterday was my breaking point. I couldn’t take another second of feeling so bad. I couldn’t take another second of feeling alone. 

I called my husband and I completely unloaded on him. I was sobbing uncontrollably. And I told him… I feel alone. I’m afraid to hurt your feelings but this isn’t about you, I love you. This is about me. I want to leave. I want to never return. I know we have a good life, I don’t know why I feel like this. Its hard. The weight of this is crushing my chest. My heart hurts. 

And just like that, the heaviness in my chest was gone. 

I needed to confide in him. I needed to know he is always here for me. I needed to know that I’m not alone. I needed to sob uncontrollably. 

No my depression isn’t cured. But the burden of dealing with it on my own is gone. My depression isn’t circumstantial, I have a good life and I know it. Its something more and its not my fault and its not shameful. I’m working with my doctor to make some changes. 

I know things will get better. That’s the best part about rock bottom, up is the only way to go. 

I wrote this in hopes that if you are struggling with similar feelings you know you are not alone. Even the person you feel like you can’t tell, will be on your side. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. Sometimes even telling a stranger can help lift the burden of feeling alone.

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14 comments on “Realizing I Hit Rock Bottom
  1. Sarah S says:

    *hugs* it takes a lot of courage to write a post like this. Well done. You are surrounded by wonderful people and I know how you feel, it is hard at times. Feel free to text me if ever you want to chat xxx
    Sarah S recently posted…Red, White and Blue Granola Bars with Blue Diamond AlmondsMy Profile

  2. Sabrina says:

    I want to hug you and never let go. Seriously, I feel like I could have written this myself. Every.single.word!

    Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. This post is exactly what I needed to read. I hope that writing this was as therapeutic for you as reading it has been for me.

    Much love!

    • ErinA says:

      Ah Sabrina, I’m so glad it resonated with you. I felt very vulnerable, but it was exactly what I needed. I’m also happy to see you blogging again, I love reading about you are up to! :)

  3. Whitney Drew says:

    It takes a lot of courage to write something like this. Thank you for sharing! I had my own breakdown on Sunday. Uncontrollably sobbing about having to go back to work. Broke down in front of my husband. Sometimes getting it all out helps so much
    Whitney Drew recently posted…Maternity leave countdownMy Profile

    • ErinA says:

      Thank you! I wish I had great words of wisdom for going back to work, but I don’t. Its tough for us mama’s, we know that we have to some something that just plain suck in order to provide for our babies. But after a while, you do find a balance, but of course, all the moments away from baby are spent thinking about baby! :)

  4. Kari says:

    I wish that I had the “right” words to encourage you. Here goes….
    - I’m proud of you for having the courage to say something.
    - What you are feeling is normal.
    - That is great that you are working with your doctor. You are doing the right things!
    - Love yourself in the way that I know you would love others. (I know this is easier said than done)
    - I’m here for you. I make a great sounding board.
    Kari recently posted…But I Can’t TouchMy Profile

    • ErinA says:

      Thank you Kari! You are most definitely a great sound board, with great advice too.

  5. Deserea says:

    Thank you for writing this. Mental illness is something that is not talked about enough and it’s viewed as something you can control. It’s not.

    I’m so glad you a feeling better and are working to feel your best. Just like cancer or eczema or a broken arm, it won’t get any better by denying it or being ashamed. Way to be chickadee! I’m proud of you.

  6. You know from reading my blog that I struggle with this too and you can ALWAYS come to me if you’re feeling down. I know how hard that is to do but it does help. Just remember that depression is not “because of something”. Yes, you have a great life but sometimes depression just… is. I’m here for you!
    Stephanie @ Athlete at Heart recently posted…Tough Love Letter: Love Yourself Enough to FightMy Profile

  7. Kay Lynn says:

    I’m so glad you confided in your husband and now us. You don’t need to struggle alone.

    I have known many people that struggled with depression and it isn’t your fault. I urge you to see a doctor because even though you are starting to feel better, it might not be enough without medication to get the brain chemistry in good balance.

    {{Hugs}} and know you have lots of people who love and are here to support you.
    Kay Lynn recently posted…Celebrate San Diego’s Birthday with Gaslamp Popcorn {Giveaway}My Profile

    • ErinA says:

      Thank you Kay Lynn! I actually have met with my doctor and have been taking meds for about 3 weeks now, he said it could take a while to see an improvement, so hopefully soon!

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