Warning: This is an extremely personal and emotional post concerning a lifelong battle I’ve had with depression. Its not my typically weight loss or healthy living post, but I do believe that some of my struggle with gaining weight is related. Feel free to skip this post and come back tomorrow if this is not something you care to read about.
Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had in years. I felt like running away to Mexico, where no one could find me. I realize that this is not something the mother of a beautiful baby girl should admit, but in order to let go of this feeling I had to come clean. I had to tell somebody. In fact, I told two somebodies, which led me to writing this post. I need the freedom that comes from getting things off my chest.
I’m depressed. I have been for some time now, but I feel like there is some shame that comes with being depressed. Which is absolutely ridiculous, because if you came to me and said you were depressed, I’d want know what I could do to help you. I wouldn’t think it was shameful at all, but for myself, it feels unacceptable.
I often tell myself that I’m not allowed to be depressed because I feel like I have it all. A beautiful happy baby, a loving and caring husband, a brand new house, a loving family, amazing friends, a car to take me place to place, enough money to pay my bills and provide for our family, a job I enjoy….so what is there to be depressed about.
The answer is I don’t know. (I’ve felt like this once before, it was right after I moved away to college.)
I tell myself that I need to suck it up. I need to force myself to be happy. That being depressed is choice I’m making.
Yesterday was my breaking point. I couldn’t take another second of feeling so bad. I couldn’t take another second of feeling alone.
I called my husband and I completely unloaded on him. I was sobbing uncontrollably. And I told him… I feel alone. I’m afraid to hurt your feelings but this isn’t about you, I love you. This is about me. I want to leave. I want to never return. I know we have a good life, I don’t know why I feel like this. Its hard. The weight of this is crushing my chest. My heart hurts.
And just like that, the heaviness in my chest was gone.
I needed to confide in him. I needed to know he is always here for me. I needed to know that I’m not alone. I needed to sob uncontrollably.
No my depression isn’t cured. But the burden of dealing with it on my own is gone. My depression isn’t circumstantial, I have a good life and I know it. Its something more and its not my fault and its not shameful. I’m working with my doctor to make some changes.
I know things will get better. That’s the best part about rock bottom, up is the only way to go.
I wrote this in hopes that if you are struggling with similar feelings you know you are not alone. Even the person you feel like you can’t tell, will be on your side. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. Sometimes even telling a stranger can help lift the burden of feeling alone.